For parents

For parents with questions about divorce with children.

Dear parent(s),

You're considering divorce, have decided to divorce, or are already divorced. You're looking for support, information, or advice to help you navigate the divorce process as smoothly as possible for your children. Kind inscheiding Zeeland (Child in Divorce Zeeland) advocates for children of (expectantly) divorced parents.

Every child reacts differently to the news that their parents are getting divorced. You might have questions about the best way to tell your children you're getting a divorce. What should you say and what shouldn't you say? And what reactions can you expect from your children?

Would you like to discuss divorce with children? Contact us. You can ask us all your questions. Our support is free of charge.

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Divorce has consequences for both parents and children. Children sense and know that all sorts of things are about to happen, but they often can't fully grasp what that means for them. As a parent, you do your best to keep the interests and needs of your children in mind, despite all the administrative tasks and accompanying emotions. Yet, there may be times when you're struggling or at a loss. You may need some support during the divorce process. Information and advice on how to prioritize the children's interests is welcome. Child in Divorce Zeeland is there for you, your (ex)partner, your loved ones, and of course, your children.

For us, it's paramount that children have a voice in the divorce process. As parents, this means listening to questions and hearing their experiences. Children are always loyal to both parents. It's important to continue to allow them to do so. Children don't have a choice. 

The decision to divorce usually doesn't come suddenly. The tensions before, during, and after a divorce are palpable and create a period of uncertainty. Besides feelings of loss and grief, there can also be feelings of guilt. Perhaps you recognize this in yourself or your children? These feelings or thoughts, "Is it because of me?" are common. It's important to consider how the divorce affects you and your child(ren) throughout the divorce process.

Children can continue to suffer from the consequences of divorce long after the separation. Most children of divorced parents recover over time. This is because children are resilient and can cope with change. The message you share with your children about the separation is important and contributes significantly to a strong bond between you as parents and your children. The way the separation takes place and how the parents communicate largely determines how your children develop. 

Research shows that it's important for children's development that parents reach clear agreements without conflict. This is a responsibility for both parents, a responsibility in which you both respect each other's parenting. It's crucial that the agreements made are recorded in a plan. A parenting plan that prioritizes the interests and development of your children. Let the parenting plan evolve with the children. Reorganizing parenting isn't always easy, but it is necessary. Support from your support network may be helpful for you as parents and/or your children. Inform the people who interact with your children daily about the situation and the agreements you're making. Think of family, the teacher, or the babysitter. They also play an important role in supporting children during and after a divorce.

As parents you can also create a parental promise Sign. A promise in which you, as parents, possibly together with your children (depending on their age), agree to continue to parent together and to be there for your children.

Questions & Answers

Every child reacts differently to divorce. Some children are sad, angry, disappointed, and some react indifferently. For children, it's especially important that everything is allowed. While closeness to their parents is desirable for a child, it's sometimes not always possible. The process parents go through—grief, mourning, saying goodbye, and reorganizing their lives—requires considerable effort. Therefore, it's helpful for children to know who in their support network is available and where they can turn. There's a wealth of information online about divorce and its impact on children. What a child needs depends entirely on their resilience, their pre-divorce situation, and how their parents interact. The worst thing for children is when their parents argue, when the conflict looms between them like a monster. Children suffer more from this than when their parents no longer communicate.

So there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Are you worried or do you have questions about what your divorce means for your child?
Please fill out the contact form. We'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Ideally, parents should tell their children together that they are getting divorced. As parents, you can shape the story together. Think especially about what you'll tell your children about the separation. Come up with a mutually agreed-upon story. It's undesirable for children to blame one parent. It's important for children to know that they were born from love. That their parents' separation isn't their fault.

For some parents, it helps to tell their children that they were once in love, but no longer are. Avoid using words like, "We don't love each other anymore." Children might then think that the love between parent and child can also end.

Speak clearly and express yourself. Don't let it become a rehearsed piece. Emotions are allowed, but try to remain the adult, so you can comfort the children if they're sad or angry.

It often helps to think about the following question: Imagine your child explaining the reason to a friend. What would they say?

Besides the emotions that might arise when announcing your divorce, children especially need clarity. Who will live where? Will I still go to the same school and sports club? As parents, try to get some clarity on this.

When parents separate and there are no new partners involved, it's possible that they can reasonably discuss the children's situation. However, if the breakup is confirmed by a new partner with one of the ex-partners, it can cause problems. There can be several explanations for this, but it often stems from the fear of losing the role of father or mother. The fear of potentially losing something precious is painful and often triggers another emotion: anger. It's also important that parents maintain their parental role as much as possible even when there's no new partner present.

New partners also consciously or unconsciously influence parenting, and if that goes well, there's nothing wrong with that. If any negative influence is exerted, it can significantly impact the agreements you've made. You can lose trust in each other as parents. This is detrimental to the children, because they don't want their parents fighting. They simply want to continue visiting both parents without feeling caught in a fight.

Yes, in the overview below you will find various books divided by theme.

Separation (and the processing thereof)

Finances in case of divorce

Co-parenting

Blended and stepfamilies

Contact us

You can contact us with all your questions, whether you're a parent, child, or loved one of someone going through a divorce or who has already divorced. We also offer support and advice to professionals working in the field who encounter children in a divorce situation.

Contact us