Professionals

For all professionals with questions.

Almost every youth and family professional encounters (children of) divorced parents in their daily practice. Kind inscheiding Zeeland (Child in Divorce Zeeland) believes it's important to help parents navigate the divorce process in a timely manner. As a professional, you also want your clients' parents to manage their divorce effectively. If you're looking for answers, we can help.

Do you have questions or need advice? Contact us. We're happy to support you, share our expertise, and provide you with tips and tools.

Complex separations

It's good to know that divorces usually proceed without too much conflict. If you work as a youth professional, you might not see this reflected in daily practice. It seems like almost every parent going through a divorce is in conflict. However, in 80% of all divorces, parents and children manage this relatively well together. In the remaining 20%, this isn't possible, and Youth Services are called in almost all cases. Emotions often run high in these situations, leading to conflict. We call these high-conflict divorces. It's important that youth professionals understand their own position and know the best ways to stay out of the conflict.

The well-being of the child comes first

First and foremost, we value a systemic approach to families. When parents can manage things together, that's great. But when pushing for collaboration only intensifies the conflict, it's important to explore how parents can individually shape parenting. What children suffer most from is the constant conflict between parents. As professionals, we want to work outside of this conflict to promote the child's well-being.

Your role and position as a professional

The child's voice is of course important, but as a professional, are you also aware of your position? Do you work with parents, individually, and with the child? Then ask yourself if you can fulfill all these roles and do justice to the child's voice. Do you also recognize that you feel responsible for the child's well-being when they're caught between their parents? Are you wondering how to take your position in this? We can help with that too.

As professionals, we have various roles, some of which are not easy to fulfill. When you can reflect on your actions and surround yourself with the right knowledge, you're on the right track.

Do's & don'ts for those supporting families going through divorce

The Family Factory has created an online magazine especially for professionals: Family in divorce. You'll find do's and don'ts for professionals, personal stories, podcasts, inspirational booklets, and other resources to help parents going through a divorce.

Questions & Answers

How can I, as a professional, help parents reshape their parenting?

We all know it in our work: (children of) divorced parents. While some parents manage to make good arrangements, for others, things only seem to escalate. Parents who can no longer make decisions together, who, from our perspective, no longer think or act in the best interests of their children. Parents who can no longer see their children.

It's crucial to act on the client's divorce as quickly as possible. Should you be the mediator? No! But do explore together who can help them and who is the best fit. Provide psychoeducation. Allow room for emotions, grief, and loss. But it's important as a professional to work outside the conflict. This means that parents must restructure their parenting after divorce. Not doing so isn't an option, because the old family life is gone. As a professional, you can help by helping parents connect with their new role. The focus here is on parent-child interaction, rather than on the interaction between parents.

We're not saying that we believe parents should never communicate again, but we do believe they should communicate meaningfully. We also say that when parents divorce, they no longer have any influence on how the other parent.

Consider the social perspectives together with the parents you're supporting: celebrating a birthday together, sitting around the table together, not being allowed to think negative thoughts about your ex, who hurt you so much. I have to fill both roles, it has to be perfect, I have to juggle all these different roles. Try to lower the bar together with the parent, so they can explore how to fill that new role, one that suits them, not what the outside world expects. We understand it's easier said than done, so we're happy to help you with any questions you may have, so you can do the right thing for your client.

I'm having trouble reaching an agreement with my parents about visitation arrangements. What now?

Which perspectives and beliefs are paramount here? Have both parents, independently, make several proposals. Provide arguments for these proposals, and determine which ones serve the child's best interests. What would the effect be on the child? And what would the effect be in relation to the other parent? We prefer not to legalize the matter. Also, explain to the parents that this is the battle. Ask if they are willing to bear the consequences of a ruling. A settlement reached together has a better chance of success.

Parents are unable to arrange a conflict-free transfer. What can I do as a caregiver?

It's important for the child that they no longer have to see and hear their parents arguing! Being trapped in conflict is the worst thing for children. What can parents do, within their own means, to contribute to this? So, not that the other person should behave normally, no, you can't influence them anymore. You can. As a caregiver, you can provide psychoeducation to parents. You can explain the effect it has on the child. Also, check out the guidelines. https://richtlijnenjeugdhulp.nl/scheiding/inleiding/Take a critical look at the network: who is a supporter and who is a hooligan? Include them in explaining the consequences of the conflict. Create an overview of the network with the parents and see if you can assign them a role. This could include being present or even taking over the handover. Also consider appointing a responsible person within the network, outside of the parents, who is able to stay out of the conflict, can and may be critical, but who thinks and acts primarily from the child's best interests.

Parents constantly clash when we discuss what's best for their children. They blame the other parent for their inability to reach agreements. How can I stay out of this conflict and refocus on the children?

It's important for parents to be heard regarding the losses they've both experienced as a result of the divorce. Making the other responsible for solving the problem indicates they themselves feel powerless and are acting emotionally. Explaining to parents how the brain works and how emotions affect the mind can be helpful. TIP: Read "Standing Strong Despite the Storm."

Parents often see their child's behavior in their home that differs from that of the other, leading to conflict and/or continued conflict. Explain how this affects children and that, given their loyalty to both parents, children exhibiting different behavior is perfectly normal. Convincing each other is a waste of time, as they are often both right.

Have each parent individually share what they think is good for their child. This may also vary and that is allowed! Fighting and convincing each other, however, is not in the child's best interest. Explore and investigate with parents what they need to work towards that goal (ending the conflict with each other). What can parents themselves contribute to resolving conflict? What do you have to do? well iinfluence?